A Trip Down Memory Lane
The topic of the power of a present father really takes me to a nostalgic place. I’m a late 80’s,
early 90’s child. If you weren’t around then, let me tell you that it was a sweet time to be a kid. Iconic music, big hair, parachute pants and tight rolled jeans. . . . man, life was good. I still love looking back at pics of that era and just laugh at some of the hilarious fashion disasters that everyone thought was great. One of the best things I miss about the 80’s and 90’s, though, isn’t the music, the crazy hair or the fashion disasters. What I miss most is
the fact that people weren’t as distracted as they are today.
Growing up, the only person who had a cell phone was Zack Morris, and it looked like a ten-pound brick. The internet wasn’t even a word to most of us until the mid-90’s, and a snail could’ve outpaced the modem speeds back then. Don’t get me wrong, things weren’t perfect, and I know I’m seriously aging myself right now. I may sound archaic to the Gen Z crowd, but many things were so much better. Yes, things were less convenient and accessible, but that’s where the beauty was found. The fact that the world wasn’t at your fingertips on a touchscreen meant that you were more present in the moment. When you went out with someone, you were actually out with someone. At a restaurant, people really enjoyed one another’s company and talked to one another, instead of playing on screens. When a parent or guardian spent quality time with a child, that kid was more likely to have their attention.
It Takes a Village . . .
There’s an African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and that held true in my case. Like many kids growing up, my parents separated when I was very young. Though my mom had primary custody of my sister and I, my dad was still a part of our lives. Every other weekend wasn’t much, but I was happy to take whatever time I could with him. He was my main hero growing up, but he wasn’t the only hero. You see, I had the wonderful blessing of a number of loving, strong men in my life who chose to be present with me from the time I was very young. They weren’t distracted and merely sharing the same geographic location with me. No, they were present. Though they weren’t my biological father, they were father figures in my life. They exemplified the power of a present father and helped shape me into the man, husband and father I am today.
The Leading Roles
My dad was and is, well, Dad. From him, I learned the joy of hunting game and have so many wonderful memories of being out in a duck blind by his side. He gave me a love of working and creating with my hands. In fact, my very first job in the horticulture/sports turf industry was through him. In my teen years, I was usually by his side on construction projects. Most importantly, though, he was there to share the saving and redeeming knowledge of putting faith and trust in Jesus Christ at a crucial time in my late adolescence. For that I am forever thankful.
It almost feels wrong to refer to my stepfather, as a “stepfather.” I just never do. He’s my other dad, and he filled in those gaps growing up that were created by the separation of my parents. He has a bold, entrepreneurial spirit. Growing up, he never appeared scared of anything and has always been one of my greatest encouragers. He taught me the importance of hard work, of making sacrifices for your family and to never be scared of venturing into uncharted waters.
The Supporting Cast
My Uncle Dan was my very first baseball coach. He imparted a love of the outdoors. During the summer months, he would pack me up with my cousin, and we would either head out to the lake to fish, go camping or just sit around a fire and do nothing. Those are some of my best childhood memories. To this day, I can pick his voice out of the crowd when he says, “Joshua.” (He is one of only two people that only call me by my full name.)
Grandpa Wright was my Superman. He was literally the strongest guy I knew. Decades of hard labor had made his hands as rough as 60-grit sandpaper, and yet in those hands I saw that a tough guy can be one of the most tender, loving individuals that has ever graced this world. In him, I saw that true masculinity isn’t toxic. Rather, it’s something to be admired and respected. His presence held our family together, and when he passed, it was a huge blow to both our family and our community.
While there are others, these men helped mold me into who I am today. Though none of these men were perfect and had their own shortcomings (hey, we all do), each one took time to display the power of a present father in my life. Even though I faced many hardships growing up (the teenage years were especially rough), they accepted me for who I was, called me out when I messed up and believed in who I could be. They taught me, corrected me, encouraged me and shared life lessons that I still carry today. Some of the greatest lessons I learned from them was during the roughest times of their lives. In tough times, true character shines through. In short, they lived life with me at a time when I needed them most.
Back to Present Day
Fast forward to today, life is so much different now than it was back then. Everything seems to be moving at break-neck speed without anyone behind the wheel. Success and entertainment have become the great altars society is willing to sacrifice everything upon. Technology has saturated nearly every part of our everyday lives and has made the world a much smaller place. We are more connected now socially than at any time in human history, and yet people are lonelier now than ever before.
The Loneliest Generation
A recent study[i] has shown Generation Z (12-24yo) to be the loneliest people in the world today with the highest instance of mental health challenges. They are three times more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and loneliness than those in nursing homes. Though studies haven’t been conducted on Generation Alpha (0-12yo), it is likely they will grow up with the same struggles as Gen Z.
It’s heartbreaking to see these same people often striving at any cost to amass a following and acceptance through social media platforms. An entire generation of young people is crying out for help and are all too often turning to the very things that will lead them further astray. How is this possible? Where did we go off the rails?
Though this isn’t an answer for all of the issues at hand, one of the biggest problems facing marriages and families today is the absence of a present father figure. Notice that I’m not saying, father. I’m saying a present father. There’s a huge difference.
Miles Apart
The world is full of people sharing the same space on this big, beautiful planet, but they are miles apart relationally. Families often go out together to share a meal at a restaurant, only to bury themselves in their phones and never so much as talk to one another. Parents take their little ones to the park, and never play with them because their social media accounts or favorite sports team are more interesting. I’ve seen fathers come home from a long day at work and refuse to go in and spend time with the family that has been waiting for their return because they need to check things on their phone. It’s a devastating addiction and it’s sick.
A Father's Presence
It seems as though over the past two decades we, as a society, have thrown out how parental and family dynamics have operated since the dawn of mankind and our children are suffering most of all. Kids don’t need perfect men in their lives. . . they need present ones. They need the power of spiritually and emotionally healthy, present mother and father figures in their lives, just as children have needed that presence for thousands of years. They need people in their lives to show them what it means to be a healthy, respectful and loving person.
A Son's Need
Our sons need to see how they are to conduct themselves as they step into manhood. They need a loving father that has walked this road we call life before them and can point out some of the potholes. A present father needs to be there to teach them that a real man is both strong and sensitive. Boys need a man to be there to accept and encourage them. They need someone to believe they are more than capable of achieving great things in life, and urge them to take life by the horns. As adulthood approaches, young men also need the power of a present father to guide them in picking out the right mate. I’ve always told my boys that marriage can be the closest thing to heaven or hell on earth and to choose wisely.
A Daughter's Need
Daughters need the power of a present father to give them a picture of what a good, loving man looks like. They need a father to show them that they are beautiful for who they are, and not merely an object. A present father dispels the myth that masculinity is an affront to her femininity. A present father is needed to protect, to provide strength and guidance as they grow into womanhood. He is also there to provide wise counsel when it comes to finding the right man to call a husband. Often times, young women lacking a postive father figure in their lives will try to find what they are lacking in unhealthy romantic relationships. This can lead to disastrous results. Over the years, I’ve seen far too many women with “daddy issues” run in and out of toxic relationships. The heartbreaking thing about it is, these self-destructive cycles may have been prevented if there would have been a healthy, present father figure in the equation growing up.
Life's Crazy
Let’s be real, life’s crazy, distracting and constantly vying for our attention. As a father of eight children, I know how challenging it can be to balance all of the business of life and still be a present husband and father. However, I also know how devastating it can be on those closest to me if I don’t truly give myself to them. Do I get it right all the time? Heck no!! I blow it more than I care to admit. Sometimes I lay my head down at night and feel like one of the biggest failures this world has seen. Regardless of my successes or failures though, I determine in myself to be fully present for my family.
In my years of working in a prison, I saw too many intelligent, talented young people rotting behind bars. Wasted potential and a bright future were flushed down the toilet because of poor decisions and little positive guidance in life. I’ve had many of them come and tell me they got locked up because they wanted to be with their dad in prison. Only God knows how things could have been different for many of them with the power of a present father in their lives.
Redifining Success
A Father's Perspective
Now I will be the first to admit that I’m not a psychologist or a child developmental expert. I’m a dad raising eight amazing kids who, along with my wife, have also worked with children and adolescents in varying degrees for the past twenty years. Over that time, we’ve witnessed so many wonderful stories and some heartbreaking ones too. There have been kids who have overcome really difficult beginnings in life only to become healthy, stable and loving mothers and fathers in their own right. Then, there have been some who come from seemingly good families that love them dearly, only to go off the rails in their adolescence and make a mess of their lives before they ever hit adulthood.
Many times, children act out simply because they are lonely. That loneliness drives them to lash out or find belonging with bad company. Proverbs 29:15 speaks of how children left to their own devices will bring shame to their parents, and we’ve certainly seen this play out in life. A key element that we’ve observed between kids thriving or struggling into adulthood is the presence or absense of a father figure in their lives.
Measuring Success
As I wrap this up, I encourage you to not gauge your level of success in professional achievements, positions or how many zeros are in your bank account. Those are just the vain trappings of this life. Instead, gauge your success on how you can be there for others. It’s true that none of us can change the entire world, but we can change the world for someone. Unplug, cut off distraction and make a conscious effort to be a present father for those in your life that are blessed to call you Dad.
For those of you whose kids are already grown and gone or for the men out there who have never had children, you can still make a difference in the lives of young people in your life. Get involved with the younger generation in your family or volunteer as a mentor. The world is full of kids who greatly need a present father figure in their lives. You have so much to offer. Get out there and make a difference in someone’s life, and you will find that they may even bless your life more than you could imagine.
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GOOD sTUFF .COMING TO TEARS. BUT GOOD TEARS MADE A 87 YEAR OLD REMBER GOOED FOR YOU
Thank you for your comment. I’m so glad that you enjoyed the post. I hope you choose to visit us again. -Josh
I just happened to come across this and I want to make sure that you know that I think you are an amazing man, father and husband, with a beautiful family. And a loving wife. and I’m proud to have been in your life all these years and I hope you know I have always thought of you as one of my sons. I’m proud of you and the man you have become SON.