My husband and I met when we were still kids in school. We were friends first and then young and in love. Though we discussed a lot of things through our 5 years of dating, there were some important topics we never really went over in much detail before marriage. Love really is blind in some ways, that’s probably a good thing, or people might never marry.
We did discuss religion and agreed that we both wanted to follow the Lord, whatever that might look like. Apparently we both wanted children as well, though we never really discussed it much. It’s been almost 21 years of marriage now and we have eight of them!
So, I once was young and now I’m older (not old), let’s just say a bit wiser than when I was a crazy in love teenager. Anyway, looking back I can see areas where we struggled, partly due to lack of communication and not really knowing yet what we wanted our life to look like. To tell the truth, if you marry fairly young like we did, you’ll do a lot of growing together. We’ve had our share of bumpy times, but I’m thankful everyday that we chose to grow together and not apart.
Keep in mind that in marriage you never really arrive at a place of perfection (as most things in life do not), there’s always room for improvement. You’ll never agree on everything and people have a way of changing a bit through the years, so communication should always be a priority in your marriage. Whether you’re younger or older, below are some things I think every couple should talk about before marriage. FYI: I’m still crazy in love…
1. Religious Beliefs
Our beliefs are something we often hold close to our hearts and make us part of who we are. They can have a huge impact on how we view life and all the aspects thereof. If we are Christians for instance, the Bible (what we believe to be the Word of God) tells us not to be “unequally yoked.” This is referencing a time when a yoke (wooden beam) was placed around the necks of a pair of oxen so they would pull a load together acting as one.
In marriage, we likewise have to work together in unity to manage a home, raise children, maintain our relationship etc.. Not sharing many of the same values or beliefs as our spouse can bring division into our marriage. There are likely thousands of decisions you’ll need to make together during your married life. If you’re not in unity, it will be very difficult to work as a team. You may be like a donkey and an ox yoked together as referenced in Deuteronomy 22.
No matter your beliefs, talk them over with your potential spouse. Discuss values and personal convictions. Listen respectively to one another. If you met at a church or other spiritual meeting place, don’t assume they believe all the same things as you. Take time to learn about each other in this respect. One’s belief’s (whatever they be), will likely have an impact on everything else on this list.
2. Kids
It’s amazing to me how many people get married that don’t bother to agree on the topic of having children. Somehow, some people think they may be able to change their spouse’s mind on varying topics once their married. This should never be our way of thinking. Talk about the subject of children before marriage. Do you want to have kids? Do they want to have kids? Do one of you have a desire to adopt children?
Discuss how you would feel if, as a married couple, you were unable to have children through natural methods. Unfortunately, I’ve known more than one couple who let the stress of infertility ultimately end their marriage. I’m sure there were other factors as well, but it is sad none the less.
This is an important topic to talk over. No one knows the future, it’s impossible to predict. However, knowing that you’re both committed to one another come what may, will help give you a confident start to your marriage.
While discussing the topic of children, also talk about your ideas on raising them. Views on discipline, childcare, education, etc…should be discussed. Your own upbringings will likely have an impact on how you might want to raise your own children. Being a parent is a great blessing and a huge responsibility. Make sure your potential spouse has the qualities you would want for the mother or father of your children.
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3. Finances
Studies show that the most common thing married couples argue about is finances. Personally, I’ve seen the most successful marriages (in this regard) are ones where the husband and wife have clear communication on this topic and share their finances as one.
If you can’t trust someone with money, that’s a pretty big warning flag that you will likely have problems with finances down the road. But, let’s say you’re both trustworthy in this regard, do you have any financial smarts? What are your overall feelings about money?
Remember, it’s the love of money that is said to be the root of all evil, not money itself. We all need it. If you manage it well together as a team in your marriage, you will be able to keep a lot of extra stress at bay. Money can be a real test of the heart. Pass this test and there’s not much else that will be out of your reach.
Some of you know by now that I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey’s financial books and teachings. It’s a great idea to take the “Financial Peace University” course by Dave Ramsey together before marriage, or after (it’s never too late to get on the right track financially). This also makes a great wedding gift!
4. Long Term Goals
Where do you or your potential spouse see yourself in 5 or 10 years from now? What do you want to accomplish? Where do you want to live? If you meet someone who has always dreamed of living in Alaska and you hate cold weather, are you willing to sacrifice your comfort for their dream? Or, if you want to pursue a career that would require long hours away from home, leaving little time for family life, are they supportive of that?
Sometimes dreams and ambitions can be more important to someone than staying together. As unromantic as that sounds, it’s just the facts. It’s better to find out where you fit into a person’s life before marriage, not after.
Marriage is about having goodwill towards one another. It’s about a love that puts the other first. If you can’t see your future without that person in it, and likewise, then that’s a very good sign. If you can’t see that person fitting into your future, and likewise, then that’s not such a good sign. Marriage is about forming a future together, not two ships sailing in different directions.
5. Physical Intimacy
Physical Intimacy is an essential part of marriage. Having conflicting views and or expectations about this can cause conflict in your relationship. Unfortunately many people view marriage as the death of their love life, when in reality it should be just the beginning.
There are a lot of factors that can effect one’s views on intimacy, such as past experiences, failed relationships, and so on… It’s important to share your thoughts and expectations about sex and romance with one another. Listen carefully to each other and try to understand why you both feel the way you do.
Many of us feel loved in different ways, for some it can be difficult to be physically intimate if they are not feeling loved in other ways. To better understand this, I encourage you to read “The 5 Love Languages”(Amazon) by Gary Chapman. My husband and I have used this book many times as a resource to help us in teaching classes on marriage/family. This book also makes a great wedding gift!
Comment below. Let us know what topics you think are important to discuss before marriage.
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